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Yes, at last, the answer to all of you problems is here. Doctor Evil is waiting for your problems. The doctor is most definitely in!
He will reply to any problems, personal, cosmological, religious, scientific, or even down right stupid. Just email him, and you will get a reply. It is as easy as that.
Now that I, Samuel Flogdaisy, Biographer to Doctor Evil, have found out how to do this better, you can write to doctor evil right here, from the comfort of your own browser. Just fill in the form below, and click on submit.
Please remember to add your email address, as Doctor Evil cannot help you otherwise. Thank you for your help
Once you have submited an email via this box, you will be sent to some odd acknowledgement thing, which I am afraid we just have to put up with, due to security restrictions here at the Doctor Evil web site. You only need to click on the back button to return to this page.
Within a few days Doctor Evil, through the ways and means of myself, Samuel Flogdaisy, will reply to you in person. Any further discussion on the subject may also be forwarded to you.
By submitting a letter to this site, you must accept certain things. Firstly, you may well not like the reply. It is quite possible that it will be particularly nasty. We won't ever show your real name on the page, and so no one will know except us, and you. If we do take the piss, it is all in good fun and you should laugh about it. We do not mean to offend, but sometimes it happens. Secondly, you may recieve a big stack of email, as we will sort out any new letters connected with yours, and we will send them on to you. If you wish us to stop sending you letters, email us at this address and we will take you off our mailing list, and erase all trace of your address from our computer. Lastly, there are several people who all contribute to this page, and share writing duties. All of these people share the Doctor Evil mailbox, and so if you do write your email address will be available to all of us (See the contributors page). If you decide that you do not trust us, don't write. We do promise not to make your address available to anyone else, but you'll just have to take our word for it. Please note that anyone submitting a letter to Doctor Evil, consents to having his/her letter published on this site, and to having it sent to related users.
I am a petite girl, with skinny arms and legs and a small head. I do not claim to be pretty or beautiful in anyway, in fact I'm downright ugly. But the thing is, my arse is just so out of proportion that I now look ridiculous. I've tried Weight-Watchers and special diets I've read about in magazines, but to no avail.
Dr Evil, what should I do?
Arse of Daventry
It is very nice to hear from you. I wish you had left me your address so that I could send your reply straight to you. In future I would like everyone to include their email address, so I can reply personally.
You are very lucky that I have ecountered this problem many times before, and my solution to it is a simple one. What you should do is take the patented Doctor Evil Chocolate and Biscuits Diet. The method is simple, eat large helpings of chocolate, and biscuits (preferably chocolate biscuits), with a large dose of lard for breakfast.
While this will not solve your bottom problem, it will make the rest of you swell to the same size, thus solving your lack of proportionality.
I hope you could get some help from this, and you should take some solace in the fact that you are downright ugly anyway.
I am a greatly distressed soul. When my Father remarried I first thought everything was as normal. That lasted a few months, until I noticed that my stepmother was an alien. I have seen her roaming around the streets at night digesting pet cats by secreting a thick slimy substance onto them, and then swallowing the resulting mess whole. She will not allow anyone to watch the X-Files at all, and if anyone so much as mentions Mulder and Scully she goes beserk.
The other day, an article about the star Proxima Centauri was on the TV, and she was staring wistfully at the pictures on the screen. Please help me, almighty Doctor Evil, as I am at the end of my rope. What should I do?
From Spaced of Greenwich (UK)
Well, swallowing pet cats whole. That sounds like my mother in law. Not that swallowing cats whole is an unworthy pursuit, but doing it without seasoning simply betrays a lack of taste.
I don't believe that she is an alien. The phenomenon you describe are what is generally known to the intelligent world as PMT. It is a biologically proven fact that at a certain time each month, all human females feel it necessary to destroy and maim small animals and generally to be a pain to live with.
With regard to the other phenomena, Your stepmother has simply lost control of her bodily functions. I suggest a spinal tap check for CJD and failing that, a frontal lobotomy. That always solves the problem.
I am a profesional chef, in a classy London pancake restaurant. Every time I beat an egg, no matter how small, I get an erection the size of a telegraph pole. It is so obvious to all of my colleagues that I am aroused (due to the silly uniform) that I have to leave in embarassment. What can I do, I need to stop this from happening, else I will lose my job.
Yours Uncomfortable of Croydon
I suggest it is time for a career change. Either that or you can chop the bloody thing off.
Also, I recommend that if these symptoms persist, it might be fortuitous to equip your bedside cabinet with a packet of Grade A eggs, and a whisk and bowl.
This is a fairly new page, and we don't have enough letters to fill this space yet. Call this a space filler.
Born to a poor east london familly, in the height of the blitz, Jonathan Evil was a humble child. Evactuated with his mother to an isolated Romanian village, he started his education by post from the well respected Grange Hill High School. During this temporary period of exile, he studied much from the works of Aristotle, Plato, and Copernicus. When he returned to London, at the age of seven, he was already considered to be one of the world leaders in the area of cosmology, having already formulated his own model for universal inflation, parallel to that of Richard Feynman. Unfortunately for Jonathan, Feynman beat him to the patent office by 19 minutes, and Jonathans version, although very similar to that of Feynman, was never to see the light of day.
After ten years of study at Grange Hill, Jonathan studied for his first degree in American Studies at Liverpool John-Moores university. Having completed his first degree here, he proceeded to do his MSc in Combined Science at Reading University.
His PhD thesis was a groundbreaking study of the behaviour of missing biros, in which he discovered the social behaviour and structure of common writing instruments.
At only 21 years of age with a PhD. already under his belt, he obtained further qualifications from various educational establishments, including honorary DPhil and CEng.
His Victoria Cross was perhaps the proudest of his achievements. For the single handed slaughter of notorious Middle Eastern bad guy Saddam Hussein, he was awarded the VC before the government realised that Jonathan was "A liar and a cad" (George Orwell, 1979).
He has been virtually erased from history due to his many social problems. His favourite method of argument is a stout stick which he claims "is better than any blooming words". He was voted the most hated man in Britain after his attempt to publish "Evil's special theory of relativity", and as a result of this he was awarded the OBE by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
He was forced to flee the country, after attacking Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II with a stout walking stick during his OBE presentation ceremony. He has since been forced to flee too the Isle of Man, where he continues his resarch into the life giving elixir, Pu-Erh, which he believes will make him immortal.
Doctor Evil lives in a small cottage, hidden in a remote corner of the Isle of Man. At the age of fifty seven, he is preparing for his old age by spending much of his time developing the life giving elixir Pu-Erh. He is also researching many other things including his theory of General Relativity, as well as an explantion of sub-atomic behaviour, which he calls Quantum Electro Dynamics. He also spends much of his time on the Internet (like yourselves, if you managed to find this page anyway, you sad muppets) researching the behaviour of people all over the world.
This page is not serious, and should not be taken as such. Anyone foolish enough to take the comments from someone such as Doctor Evil seriously deserves everything they get. This site is meant to be fun, so anyone with a serious request should go to Yahoo and search for a real counsellor, as I am not one. This page, and all characters portrayed within it are purely fictitious and any relation to persons living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental. The authors take no responsibility for anything featured on this site at all, and you are reading it totally out of personal choice. Users of this site submit letters at their own risk.
The designers of this site do however make certain guarantees. Personal details sent by the user, particularly email addresses, will not be issued to anyone other than those persons colaborating on the reply. Personal details will not intentionally be made available to the general public (That would be a really shitty thing to do).
If you wish to know more about the contributors to this site, look at the Contributors Page
The Music of Dr. Evil - The Evil Doctor's Toccata and Fugue in D minor
